Over a warm cup of coffee, I stare at the blank computer screen. It is time to write something. But what? God give my heart words to speak…
This morning in the van I shared angry words with my teenager. Lost are the days of “mommy I love you.” Storms seem to be brewing daily and I am not handling them well.
As my abdomen swells with the coming baby I take in life tearfully and wonder how much emotion is authentic and how much is hormonally caused.
But as I sip the warm coffee I feel the warmth sink into my bones on the chilly morning of mittens and scarves. Snow is piled on the ground outside the little coffee shop as the Christmas music plays quietly in the background. All around me, students sit with ear buds and thick books open studying for finals.
College happened a long time ago now, but life still has it’s, “finals.”
As a mom how am I scoring? As a wife am I still on the honor role? As a Christian woman, what grade am I earning ? As a friend, daughter, relative what is my GPA?
I tend to grade myself through life’s tests, as I think God must be. Up there in heaven, He must have a big clipboard rating my class participation. What notes did he add this morning in the van?
I can tell you what grade I would give myself and have been giving myself lately…
Still, I am reminded that God does not actually love me from a distance. He isn’t just leaving me down here to figure it out on my own. He isn’t just tuning into my life like it’s some really juicy reality TV show. I get that wrong a lot, it’s my legalistic nature painting a picture of God I somehow learned as a child, and carried with me as a teen, and propped up as an adult, but He is more than that picture of Him.
He shines through my friend Sarah every time she sings. Through the look in her eyes, I see his love. He speaks through my close friend Nichole when she holds the broken pieces of my story and helps me sort it all out and hope again. He loves me through my daughter’s hugs, hugs she offers to a less than perfect mom again and again. He works through the prayers of friends, acquaintances and sometimes complete strangers.
God is not far away, but He came near through Jesus, “Immanuel” which means God with us. I am reminded again that He saved me by his grace not my works that I would never boast of myself but wholly of Him.
“Jesus I need you,” I whisper from my corner table.
As I sip this coffee, thankful for a new setting to continue this day I am reminded of the miracle God has given me…this moment. I don’t have it all together but I do have faith that God is not through with me yet, in fact, that very thought gives me new hope. I am thankful that he has placed people around me to point my eyes back to Him. So I chose to put down my own report card and instead hum a little song I used to sing in church…
All to Jesus I surrender…